Stand Up

I've been working on writing a stand-up comedy routine recently (quite earnestly I might add) and as soon as I'm done and have polished the routine off a little, I'm gonna perform it at a local comedy club on an amateur night. I must say that I'm actually impressed with what I've written so far and think that it is quite good. My delivery, on the other hand, that should be quite interesting. I suspect that it won't be pretty. I totally expect to bomb since it'll be my first attempt at this and because, well, this is Fresno. I imagine that my humor will be too subversive for the audience since it's won't be the standard Jay Leno/Carrot Top fare that I presume they are accustomed to. There is some sick/perverse part of me that actually looks forward to bombing too. But let me tell you one thing, if I start to bomb, I'm gonna make sure I really bomb.

I've even started thinking about potential comebacks/responses for any hecklers I may have.

Following is just one example:

"Oh, shut the fuck up you pea-brained honky!
You're just pissed off 'cause I fucked yo momma last night
and let me tell ya, that bitch is so old--
I needed to use Extra EXTRA lube.
The bitch is so dried up,
her pussy sucked that shit up like a sponge.
I ain't even kidding motherfucker!
That white-trash whore of a mother you got
seriously has some beef jerky down there

...and by the way, that girl that you came with smells like shit."


another of my favorite retaliations involves claiming that some heckler cracker dude is a closeted homosexual (I'll say I saw him at Bam Bam's or some other local gay bar/club), calling him all kinds of faggots, and then threatening to kick him in his loose asshole.

I loathe the word "faggot" but, hey, there is certain type of straight guy out there that would just about shit himself if he was "fingered" as potentially being a homo. Therefore, it's OK. Oh, and the misogyny in the first one, perfectly acceptable.

So, what do you think?... Is this thing on?... Anyone?... Anyone?...