I had originally planned on returning to Fopblog in the early fall but I learned that my friend Rockey, who had been battling cancer since 2002, was beginning experimental chemotherapy treatments as nothing else had worked. I'm a person that feels everything deeply. Maybe a little too deeply and at that time I really couldn't think of anything else but my dear friend's health.
Rockey ended up passing away on October 27, 2005-- less than a week away from his 24th birthday. When I eventually found out... how do I say...I didn't exactly take it well. I'm still devestated. In fact, if I am being completely honest, the fog and numbness that had enveloped me is just starting to dissipate. I will never completely get over this but I can now see where I'll be able to be happy again.
Perhaps I have taken this harder than I should have since he had been sick for so long but I don't think so. I am in the same boat as all of you so, of course, I had seen and experienced death around me prior to this.
However, this was different.
Rockey is the most amazing person that I have ever known. He was an angel. He was the most unique person that I've ever met. From the way his name was spelled to the way he spoke to his unique sense of humor and his immense intellect... no one was like him. He's someone that I thought about all of the time (everyday for a good chunk of the day) since I met him at UCLA. Whenever I thought of my future, I always pictured him being there.
Perhaps I am just being selfish because I know that I will never meet anyone like him again in this lifetime.
You know what? On the surface we seemed really different but we really were so much alike. The things we liked... films, music, literature, everything.... exactly the same. There's that whole "opposites attract" bullshit and good for those that believe this but there is something to be said for meeting someone that is just like you. It's reassuring. Validating.
On the night of September 10th, 2003 (I remember this date because it was just a couple of hours before 9/11) Rock-o called me from the hospital. He had just had surgery and was on a shitload of painkillers. He was slurring his speech and, although this will sound fucked up of me since he was going through hell, I thought that there was something really adorable about the way he sounded. Anywayz, he told me that he felt like he could talk to me more than anyone about things that mattered and things that didn't matter without feeling judged. It was such a small thing but it touched me so much. It still does.
I can't even bare to think of all the shit that he had to go through. I'm bitter for him. It is sometimes hard for me to think back on our time at UCLA 'cause I inevitably direct my mind to all of the times when he was experiencing stomach pain... I was convinced that it was just an ulcer or something else comparatively benign. During our Italian final he could barely make it through the exam. He had to excuse himself at least 3 or 4 times.
One thing that makes me a little happy is knowing that the best night he spent during his entire time at UCLA was with me. It was nothing special. We chilled at my apartment, watched "Welcome To The Dollhouse" and then went to a reading of the fictitious J.T. Leroy's work. A bunch of celebrities did the reading and then afterwards there was a private party at The Viper Room. I really did not want to go to the afterparty and had planned to only deliver some posters to "J.T." at the club and then skip out but Rockey coaxed me into staying. I'm glad we did.
Afterwards, in the middle of the night, we stopped at a 24-hour Rite-Aid and got some ice-cream. We ate our ice-cream outside on some benches and had an encounter with a homeless man that I won't soon forget... He always talked about that night.
I should stop now as I could seriously go on forever. I just wish that everyone could know how great he was.
I love you so much Rockey. Everything that I do from now on, I'll be doing for the both of us.
Your Partner In Peaches,
Rudy
p.s. I found this on the net (posted on his birthday) and I thought that it was kind of sweet... except that his name is Rockey with an ey dammit!
